Over the Years

Thinking about how I've changed over time. Long post, probably no one will read it, but eh, I feel like writing, it's 2:52am and I'm not sleepy so what else am I gonna do?

Elementary: Honestly, as elementary school kids go, and in the elementary social hierarchy, I was a pretty cool kid. I wasn't a really athletic kid, I mean I was skinny and stuff but just skinny, not athletic skinny, and I didn't excel at sports. I really didn't do all that much to differentiate myself, but then again, unless you're involved in sports, at that age, what else do you do? You're not physically developed enough to play music, you can't do stuff alone, so you basically just go to school and go on play dates with friends. I guess in elementary school everyone sort of belongs to a homogeneous group more or less. Anyways, I was one of the kids who I guess everyone liked more or less, not sure why, but I was; I got voted the "Most Friendly" and "Most Liked" at the 5th grade assembly and stuff haha. Not too much more to say here.

Middle: I changed a lot in middle. Sixth grade I was still the generic child, trying to carve out my own niche in the social strata. I remember hanging out with a pretty diverse group too, lil bit of everyone. I was never one of the preppy popular kids though, but then again that crowd never impressed me, so I never tried to be one of their friends. Eventually, towards the end of that year, I started gravitating a little towards the more music oriented kids, thanks to my best friend at the time (and still), Grayson, and also Ian Hurdle. Seventh grade, I started thinking more of how I dressed, started wearing some band shirts and whatnot, and I think that's when I started playing guitar and again continued hanging out more with musically oriented people, but that's just because of my preexisting friends, and I never got cliquish; I'd be friends with anyone. 8th grade was more of the same I think. Only thing then was me becoming a little more mature and I think starting to pay a lot more attention to girls.

Highschool: Highschool is where it all came together I guess. Freshman year I kinda dressed more preppy, wanting to fit in with the majority of people, y'know, not trying to alienate myself in any way in the beginning. I can't really remember freshman year, except for not being very self confident, I still made friends and stuff but I was a little more quiet. Sophomore year, same thing. Made friends and hung out with the usual people, but I had a fairly small and tight knit group of friends and didn't really try to branch out. Still a little reserved and serious, I didn't act myself at school or with a lot of people I guess. Also that year I had my first girlfriend(ish), so I suppose that made me mature some. Junior year I feel I started to come into my own a little. I was more social and made more friends and was more busy than ever, but still not quite as confident in myself, I feel like I judged myself a lot and was self depreciating often.

Senior year was awesome, and I feel like I finally found myself so to speak, sounds cliche, but eh, it's fairly accurate. I started regularly going to hardcore shows that year, I mean I had gone off and on since sophomore year, but I really got into the music and started making friends within that scene. I also made friends with a bunch of kids in the grade below that year, and of course within my own grade, so that boosted my self confidence, and I dunno, I guess I realized hey, if people don't like who I am, I don't need them y'know?? So I started acting like my goofy, awkward self all the time more or less, and I think that's come across to others, hopefully in a positive way. I think I also started actually caring about myself in terms of how I dressed and presented myself to others, lost some weight, started trying to be more presentable in general. I also, through relationships, learned a lot about myself and who I am, and matured more in that sense, and discovered who and what actually makes me happy.

College has just started, and I don't feel too different from senior year, just more self sufficient and mature I guess. Also doing my best to make a long distance relationship has helped me mature in some ways too...it's difficult, but it's something that's really important to me of course, so I think it's helped teach me the value of working hard towards your goals, in a different sense than most get that from.

Long read. If you actually made your way through that probably illogical nonsense above, you should probably pat yourself on the back haha. But yeah. I guess I've changed a fair amount over the years, but in a direction I'm happy with I think, and I'm fairly comfortable with who I am.

FALL

Today really felt like the first day of fall for me here at VCU.

I love the fall, the winter's pretty good too but honestly, c'mon, the fall has everything. It's just cold enough to get to wear hoodies and flannel, but not like bitterly cold. It has those crisp, clear days with no clouds that are blindingly bright but perfect, especially at night, walking at night in the fall especially in the city is one of my favorite things to do, like down at the river or wherever. Awesome. It also has those kinda bleary rainy overcast days, which in a way I like, perfect for just chilling inside, putting on a movie or some tunes, sipping coffee, and zoning out. Plus you've got Halloween which is always good, Thanksgiving (turkey, nuff said. Fun fact: turkey has triptophan in it, which is also in some date rape drugs and sleep medicine.) is always great, and plus you know in the back of your mind that in a month it's Christmas, which is hands down the best time of year. Also, this is the first year where I have someone to spend time in the fall with, which I'm excited about, not sure exactly why, it's just nice to be outside and go on walks and stuff with someone you care about. Hopefully I'll see her a little more often and get to share some of these experiences :)

I love that my parents don't have faith in me. Fuck it.

Yo Sucka You Gotta Big Mouth!

Today was good. My classes were interesting, English especially this morning was good...I kinda like having that class, it's really laid back and it's nice having a small class where I get to interact with others, hard to do that in a class with 425 other people y'know? Then I had international relations, which is always fun, the professor's hilarious, and the content is legitimately interesting. Then I got to see Kim open my package :D which was funny haha...it's been 3 weeks since I've seen her and looking like it's gonna be another 2 before I finally get to, which sucks. But we've always been very talkative which helps, I just miss her a lot though. After that and a boring stats class, I met up with a bunch of friends at Shafer, and we all rolled out to Strange Matter soon after, a bar/venue on West Grace, chill place. We met up with like 15 other people in the parking lot there and just hung out for awhile. Eventually...aka at 12:45am POA finally played haha, it was worth the wait though. I got to tell dumb jokes with Stewart on stage too which is always a plus.

"So there's two whales in the sea. One whale says 'hurrurururur', what does the other say? 'Hurruururururur'" Haha awful.

Anyways it was a really good set. They covered "Big Mouth" as always, which was great, even though I got tagged in the face with the microphone courtesy of Reid. Potential bruise. Eh. Worth it, we all went nuts during it haha, scared a few people back a few feet ;)

Overall a really fun day.

Blahhhh.

Weird mood. Feeling self depreciating, dunno why. Sometimes I feel I can't do things right. I know I have to work but can't feel motivated enough to do so. I think I picked the wrong major. Insignificant nonsense bothers me, which is lame. I overanalyze. People don't seem to care. Tired of being sick/shitty immune system, even though I am feeling better, which is good. Blah. Maybe i'm just overtired haha, I suppose 7 or so hours of sleep over three days can do that to you. Anyways, just gotta think positive, grit my teeth and deal with it. Cry myself a river, build myself a bridge, and get over it by myself. Well. Minus the crying. That's kinda extreme. And building a bridge would require math, and i'm not a math fan. Speaking of math, I need to go study. Peace.

Also sorry for this emo-esque post. I'm not feeling exactly unhappy, just...down. I dunno.

Richmond's Finest

Over the years, I've had both good and bad impressions of the police in Henrico/Richmond. I'm not one of the people sporting ACAB tattoos or crusading against the police; I understand their purpose. However, the way they go about handling the most mundane of events and manage their time honestly blows my mind at times. Tonight, me and my friends were sitting on the Frankling Street wall across from the dorms, just hanging out and minding our own business and talking. A bike cop came up, got off his bike, and proceeded to yell at us for literally 10 to 15 minutes. This bothered me for a few reasons. First off, a simple "get off the wall" would have sufficed, still stupid because we were just sitting there and not doing anything, but okay. Fair enough. Second, the way he clearly thought himself to be leagues better than all of us bothered me. I don't like when people in positions of power like that have a huge feeling of entitlement and authority, other than the badge and gun, they're the same as us. Not to mention he looked like he was maybe only a couple years older than the youngest of us, and to have someone practically my own age yell at and speak down to me over nothing isn't fun or reasonable. Also, some other things I saw that night really put this in perspective. Me and Stewart and Michael had walked down to Shockoe Bottom and the canal earlier in the evening, and down there we saw: an obvious drug deal in the parking lot of a 711, like the guy straight up walked over to a car and we saw him stuffing bags in his pockets; numerous people publically drunk and yelling; obvious drunk drivers swerving all over the road; people buying (if that's the right word haha) prostitutes for the night and prostitutes hanging out on corners and whatnot. Instead of patrolling the city for real problems such as these, police chose to hassle us for sitting on a wall and talking. Not to mention I saw police yelling at other kids around the dorms for walking through Monroe Park and other insignificant things. I understand a need for order, but aren't their bigger issues at hand on a saturday night in a city? Interesting.

Chill

Yesterday was a good day. Aside from still trying to fight off pneumonia, I had fun! My classes, english and international relations, are probably my two favorite, so that was chill. In between and during the afternoon I just hung out with my friends and got a little homework done, nothing major. Later in the evening I dropped off my stats homework, then me and Mike and Stewart walked down to The Warehouse, a solid 30 minute walk, which is always pretty fun, just talking about random guy stuff and helping old black ladies push their cars down the street, no biggie. Once we got there, we were kinda suprised, the bands playing should have garnered more of a crowd, but it was a pretty small show. This turned out to be a good thing actually, everyone there was friends with each other more or less, so it just was kinda a big hangout session outside plus the bands playing. Late show, we ended up leaving at like 11:30ish, but it was fun just being with friends. After getting back to VCU me Stewart and Mike hung out in Monroe Park till 12 something and just talked for awhile. Good times.

Houses and Billboards

This song makes me happy. Kinda embodies how I feel tonight for some reason...just the kinda song you wanna hear when you're out sitting on your porch thinking y'know? Especially the slow part at the end. I love Saves the Day. But anyways, this weekend was good. I've been sick with pneumonia, and had a pretty rough week because of that, and wasn't really able to do much this weekend, kinda just sat around at home and played games, the only thing I did honestly was meet up with some hardcore buddies for dinner today at this awesome burritto place, which was cool. However, it was a certain someone that really helped this weekend...it's just pretty awesome having someone who really cares, even from 2 hours away. She could be doing anything else but she's always taken the time to talk to me, and that's amazing to me, I consider myself lucky everyday, considering I'm not always the easiest person to get along with I don't think. Just a good mood :)

Things I Enjoy (v2)
Goldfish (the snack, the fish itself is sorta a bland kinda animal). Chinese food. Burrito Panfilo. Driving on the highway at night playing loud music by yourself. Droning guitar lines. The sound of feedback and tension before a band plays. Stagedives. Being toppled over by waves. Ludens cough drops. Asphalt mirages. Crunchy leaves. Crackling flame. Speaking one's opinion. Cigar smoke. Long phone conversations. Feeling cared about. Catching someone you care about looking at you when you're sleeping. Sleeping. Worn out shoes. Vinyl. Eating vegan but not being vegan. Looking up at the stars every once and awhile (i know, cliched). Good hugs. Sarcasm. A sense of history in a place.

Things I Don't Enjoy
Being ditched. Bad internet connections. Too much chocolate in chocolate milk (should be just a touch, no homo). Okra. Affliction brand clothing. Faux hawks. Pretenciousness. When you feel like you've still gotta pee a little but you can't make it happen. Too large pants. Loud chewing. Wet chewing...ugh. Grudges over inconsequential things. Losing touch. Sloppy drunks/people who can't have fun without being out of it. Tough guy posturing. Looking down at others legitimate beliefs. People wearing tank tops that shouldn't due to moobage. When you get things caught in your teeth. Brain freeze. Throat freeze, even worse. Missing a step you've prepared for on a staircase. Sinking feelings in your stomach. Worrying.

Things I Would Like to Do
Travel everywhere. Publish a book. Have an album pressed, even if it's self produced. Actually start playing shows. Stop worrying about stupid things. Transfer. Stop getting down on myself sometimes. STOP BEING SICK. Learn how to play piano. Become a better guitar player. Gain some muscle. Ride on a ride on lawnmower. Read more often. Reach out more often. Be more understanding about things/a better friend/less aggravating/less judgemental.

This past week/weekend was purty awesome. School was...school. Fun. Hanging out with people, little work here and there, stuff like that. Thursday I saw Cruel Hand and Trapped Under Ice, which was awesome, even though I left with a good ole concussion and numerous bruises. Over the weekend I finally got to go up and visit Kim at JMU, which was really fun I must say. We just kind of hung out and chilled and talked, which was nice. Of course, knowing myself, I ended up being sick, which was annoying to all parties, and I felt bad because it was my first time seeing her in 3 weeks and I wasn't able to do some stuff because I was coughing up a storm and whatnot (turns out I have bronchitis, what else is new). Oh well. Next time. She was nice enough to stay with me though even when she had much better options that woulda been more fun...I'm a lucky hombre. Hopefully I'll get to see her again sooner rather than later, though she's got a purty busy schedule and I guess I kind of do too...sigh. Guess that's just one of the changes college brings, among other things. Anyways, definitely a good weekend, even though I was a Debbie Downer with being sick.

It's amazing having someone who can always make you feel happier, even when you're not with them.

By the Wayside

Nevermind, it's a new week, trying to think happy :) just was in a terrible mood this past weekend, jealous about things I shouldn't have been, some friends slighted me I think, I felt kinda alone in that sense, and I was just mad feeling in general, not sure why...guess it was my time of the month. Haha eww. Plus I didn't feel very well this weekend, which probably amplified things. But I hate feeling mad like that, and I feel like I took it out on some people, which I definitely didn't mean to do or anything like that. That and I'm not good at letting people know how I feel I guess? I don't know. I feel like a loser complaining like this. But. It's a new week, hopefully I can turn things around.

Today's show was so good, the Back to School Jam has always rocked. Only bad part was Down to Nothing didn't play as usual, but still, Fire & Ice and Rival Mob killed it, just a great night with really cool people and good friends, banged up and bruised but still.

Overall a mixed weekend emotion wise I guess. On one hand the show rocked, that was really fun, and going to Belle Isle with a bunch of people was fun too the other day, gotta say, not too many places that you get to see Wiccan/Satanic meeting sites, abandoned buildings, historical areas, and a river all in one. Other non happy stuff is covered above.

What

Could possibly go right?

Today sucked. Just one of those days were absolutely nothing goes your way. Frustrated, tired, bummed out, and not feeling good, awesome combination. Actually Belle Isle was pretty fun but other than that, nah. Whatever, tomorrow's a new day, going to a fun show with a bunch of friends, that'll be good.

College.

Haven't done one of these in awhile. Just been busy and stuff I guess. Did a ton of stuff this week, saw a friends band and got to hang out with a bunch of awesome dudes from NY whose bands also played, this was on Sunday I think. That was really fun, just a chill night with cool new people. Since then I've just been hanging out with my friends, went to Ryan's apartment, jammed out there and met some cool bike punk guys and gals, got lost in Midlothian somehow haha, got the cops called on us when we were hanging with some hardcore kids in Shafer Court, checked out a bunch of awesome stores, wrote music for my new band with Stewart, got yelled at by a crazy homeless man, got a classy 50's style haircut, just stuff like that. I've been having a good time at college so far, meeting lots of cool people and whatnot.

At the same time though, it's been pretty tough. I miss her a lot...I know I'm only 2 hours away and it's only been a little over a week but still, it sucks, because she's both my girlfriend and my best female friend, so it's been rough. I just miss all the little things, going on adventures downtown...spinning around on the tire swings till we got sick...going to the art museum and making fun of the paintings and picking up weird metal stick things...doing my stupid accents with her...slinkies...eating whole donuts...laughing all the time at everything haha...this summer was awesome, and she had a lot to do with that. I hate the fact that I can't be there when she's unhappy, and just to be able to tell her whatever and experience things with her. Sigh. But. Hopefully I'll get to visit soon, and eventually maybe I'll end up at JMU, I've gotta step my academic game up for that though, which I'm working hard to do.