Thinking.

In some weird mood tonight, not quite sure why. Today was a pretty good day, if not maybe a little boring. Had class from 12 - 4 pretty much, then psychology at 7 till 10 basically, which was sorta draining, maybe all the work piled on in one day is bringing me down a little? Not sure. But just feeling kinda out of it, I dunno, maybe a little down on myself or something, nothing major though haha. Lately I've been worrying about things too much, just school and whatnot and little dumb things, making me sorta feel uptight and stressed I suppose. Also been feeling like my friends/family/people in general don't care about my feelings on things sometimes or my opinions, kinda like I talk or try to get out my own opinion/view of things but if they see it differently they just ignore what I'm saying, stuff like that. Probably just being overreactive, I'm not really upset about it haha just thinking...shit, could just be the weather, it's gross out. I dunno. Just been kinda hard on myself recently, oh well.

Other than this random little funk though life is good! My grades are looking up even though I'm sorta stressed over school, been hitting the gym three or so times a week and feeling good about it, get to see my girlfriend this weekend if the weather permits....good times.

Just gotta keep my chin up haha. Sorry if anyone's construing this as an emoish post, not meant to be.

Had a conversation the other night which kinda hit home in some ways for me. I sorta tried to take an honest look at myself from someone else's perspective, in how I act usually and how I am as a person and a Christian...and honestly I'm not sure how I feel about what I felt and saw. I do think I do a decent job at upholding Christian values and sensibilities, but I can definitely be part time about it. I curse pretty often, I don't consider God and religion all that much in my daily life sometimes, I easily dismiss people and judge them before I really get to know them at all, I have some pretty mean thoughts about people sometimes....all of these things reflect on me and can change others' perceptions of me as a person, maybe not in a completely radical way but in some slight, maybe even subconscious, ways. I don't want my behaviors and views on things to make me grow apart from those I care about who are of stronger faith than me. I won't change who I am at my core, I mean I think that's impossible, God made us each individually to be a certain person, and I wouldn't want to; I like who I am. I'll always have some mean thoughts about things, I can't always accept some parts of religion at face value immediately, I tend to try and interpret things for myself, I won't always be happy, I can't be a perfect person obviously, and things aren't meant to be that way anyways or there would be no reason to worship or have a need for any sort of higher power. However, there are plenty of things I could work on and be more mindful of, and I'm going to try to do that.

Ever have one of those days where you just kinda feel down on yourself? I'm having one today. I'm feeling better now before I drift off to sleep, but yeah, most of today I've just been sorta moody and hard on myself I guess, one of the days where it's hard to look on the bright side of things and you feel like you can't do things right. I guess maybe it's just being overwhelmed with school (i've got a ton of work already and the lesson plans my professors have drawn up are intimidating to say the least), lack of sleep, maybe the people I surround myself with, I dunno.

I feel like I instill regret in people at times. For instance, I know my mother has said that she regrets helping me in early high school and in middle school with my school work, because I had lackluster first semester grades and she feels like I'm not self sufficient enough.

Perhaps saying that I might dissapoint at times is a better word than regret.

I don't know haha. Sorry for this emo-ish post, I'm really not even in that bad of a mood, just kind of thinking and collecting my thoughts via writing.

Tomorrow will be a new and better day.

Lucky.

You know what's amazing? Being fortunate enough to have something great in your life, and then thinking about it and looking towards the future and realizing that it's getting stronger all the time, and feeling really positive and happy about it and that it has the potential to keep getting better and better.

The little Life is Good dude's head above me is basically how I feel. Cept hopefully my head doesn't look like an olive. And we all know my nose isn't exactly nonexistant like his. But yeah.

I often hear people my age saying they wish they could be a child again. On one hand, I can appreciate this. Being a kid was awesome, the only things you had to worry about was doing well in kickball on the playground or if your mom remembered to cut off the crusts on your sandwhich...none of the realities of life have kicked in at that point, at least for me when I was a kid, I know it's different for children who's parents split when they were children and stuff like that.

At the same time though, I don't think I'd change my current age or go back for anything. Sure, when you were a kid you were totally innocent of the ways of the world and life was easy, but now there's a whole world open to you! Sure, it can hurt you or be scary, but all the opportunities that are available and the great things happening outweigh that for me. I'm happy to be growing up and at an age where I can think for myself, be mainly independent, have real, thoughtful conversations with people, drive/go wherever I want, have and maintain an amazing and growing relationship, and everything else that comes with aging.

Even down the road, after college, I can't see myself wanting to go back to my younger years. Yeah, you have a lot more responsibilites, and I suppose at times I might miss the "good ole days" but at the same time there's so much to look forward to: travel, (potentially, if I'm in a field I enjoy) working, living on my own, marriage, buying a house, starting a family...tons of good stuff.

I love looking back on the past and thinking of both the good and bad things that have happened in the past nineteen years, but I try to not get too caught up in what's over with and focus on what's good in my life now, which is a lot :D

Happy.

Amigos.

Yesterday was one of those days that really make you appreciate your friends. I was kinda bummed out in the morning because Kim had left for JMU, and sorta moping around. However, I met up for dinner with like eight of my really good friends, and spent the night at the Warehouse going crazy with a big group of friends also, and all of that definitely cheered me up. My group of friends down at VCU and downtown is definitely composed of some interesting characters with extremely diverse opinions and view points on things, but most of us have a unifying interest in playing music of some or supporting the Richmond hardcore scene.

It's kinda funny, me and Kim were talking about this earlier..in high school, I had a bunch of friends in a few different groups of people. Yeah, of course I had best friends, but not like a core group of a bunch of people that I could consider really good friends and hang out with constantly. Now that I'm in college, I finally have that, and gotta say, it's pretty awesome.

Gone...back to getting used to texting, phone calls, skype, missing her and not seeing each other for weeks/months.

Sad.

You ever get one of those omniscient feelings where you feel as if you can almost see yourself as others see you? It's like you're aware of yourself, not in the usual self-aware ware, thinking your personal thoughts and going about your business, but aware of yourself as sort of a global being; a citizen of the world if you will.

Maybe it's just me haha, I had one of those moments tonight when I was at a house party watching my friends band play. Dunno why, I just did. Instead of being all caught up in my own personal thoughts and dramas, I just kinda saw myself as an awkwardly tall college student, more or less at ease with the situation at hand but still kinda trying to look "tough" to fit in with the guys. It was weird, kinda startling haha. I guess it was just zoning out.

Weird feeling.

Resolutions.

-Do way better the next semester grade wise. I didn't do horrible, but no where near my potential, and if I want transfer to even be an option, I need to step my game up. Less hangs, more studying.
-Be more responsible. Sometimes I can be a little cavalier with my money or even how I manage my time...this kinda goes hand in hand with grades too. If I'm trying to get an apartment next year, gotta show the old folks that I can handle my business.
-Get a summer job. I'll definitely need some money this summer, and I can't stand asking my parents for it, I feel like a bum.
-Potentially tattoo'd? I'm feelin' it muahaha.
-Be a better friend/boyfriend. Pretty self explanatory.
-Stop being judgemental. I try not to, but sometimes it's hard not to do, and I can work on it. Just gotta give some people a chance y'know?
-Work on music. That's a big part of my life and I wanna get better at it.
-Work out and get RIPPED. Haha not really but I just wanna tone up some.

Sayonara 2k10, Hola 2k11. Gonna be a good year :)