My own mom said that she doesn't know me and that I've been disappointing both her and my dad, and I feel worthless. I mean okay maybe I haven't done quite as well I could be doing so far, but I'm just getting used to things, and really? A disappointment? Thanks. Can't say I've felt alone like this in a long time. Zero self esteem after that conversation. Oh well. Hopefully this weekend will be fun and make me feel a little better.

Thank you to the people that keep me sane.

Don't think I've ever really made a post directly about this.

I get crap all the time about considering myself belonging to the straight edge movement. I've gotten used to being made fun of for it and dealing with sometimes awkward situations due to it though, and I'm comfortable with the decision. Basically, straight edge is a youth movement that chooses to look for alternatives to drinking, drug use, and tobacco, and with a general connection to hardcore punk. The reasons for this are numerous in my opinion. Me and my friends have a ton of fun without doing any of that, honestly. Sounds cliched but it's true. More so than that however is I just don't really see the point. I look at my roommate who's constantly high, and he's almost failing out of college, blows all of his paychecks on drugs, and has lost friends and hurt relationships with his drug use...all of that for a short term "good time". Drinking I think is more understandable, but I also don't really understand why people, especially a lot college kids, "need" it to have a good time...I guess puking/hangovers/losing inhibitions/not remembering your weekends is fun. I don't have a problem with social drinking, but the whole notion of drinking purely to get wasted is beyond me I guess. I dunno. Honestly I don't think I've ever met someone that I've had more fun with when they're high/drunk/whatever than when they're sober.

Overall I just hate that as a college student there's sort of an expectation for me to go to parties and get wasted and hook up with drunk chicks and get high. I'm just not interested in it, honestly. I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't look down on anyone who does drink or smoke though, I know people don't believe me and my above words may seem contrary to that, but it's true. I have plenty of friends that are complete stoners and party kids and haha hey, it's cool, I respect their choices, just not my particular thing y'know? I'm a lot less serious about it than most people I think, and I can't stand when people degrade others for choosing to drink, do drugs, etc, or even worse, when they literally think they're better than others for not doing so. So dumb.

Worldview.

I was just talking to Kim about college and travel and stuff. Don't get me wrong; I've enjoyed college a lot so far. My classes are usually fairly interesting, but at the same time the schedule can get monotonous. Every day, it's basically wake up, class, eat, class, work, class, eat, hang out for a little, work, sleep. Rinse and repeat. Of course that can change, there's exciting stuff going on down here all the time, but overall that's the main core structure of the college experience. Sometimes, I wish I had no financial ties to the school or my parents or anything, so I could just get off my bed, pack a bag, walk out the door, get in my car, and go wherever the road takes me. Or, even better, go (with the significant other preferably), get on a plane, and get lost in Europe for awhile. I would love that, no obligations, a completely new place with new culture and and new societal standards, and spending time with someone I care about....a sort of blank slate so to speak. You'd come back to "real life" benefitting in a lot of ways probably also; a more complete worldview, an appreciation of different cultures, not to mention the memories and stuff.

Sigh. One can dream.

This place looks rad.

College update.

So I'm finally on my first college break(ish) at VCU. Well they're technically called "reading days" where you're supposed to study, but everyone uses it as a break to either go back home or hang out. Overall, thinking back on the past month and a half or so that I've been in school, I've had a pretty good time. VCU's definitely a cool school. There's a ton of clubs/events going on all the time, like on any given day you can walk outside and see, for example, salsa dancing going on in the commons, or an impromptu hip hop dance party out in the Commons Plaza, all school affiliated. It really is hard to be bored here. I also just like being in Richmond, I mean if there's not something going on at VCU, me and my friends can just start walking in any given direction and be somewhere fun. We go to Rumors a lot, always down to The Warehouse to hang out or see shows, go down to the canal/Shockoe Bottom, play music outside in Monroe Park, down West Grace to chill at Strange Matter or go to 711, or go to Kirsten or Ryan's apartments, which are always fun. That and we've all been getting into biking, which is way fun. Classes have been fairly challenging, but not unmaneagable (also has to do with my fairly easy schedule time wise).

However, there's some things that I'm not really into here either. First off, there's a ton of distractions. Sometimes it's hard to seperate onesself down here from social time and hit the books, or at least it is for me. I need to work on that. Also, there's sort of a lack of unity here. Because there's so much going on, people are all over the place and out at different hours...it's hard to necessarily get to know the people on your floor, not to mention there are no dorm events organized, which is both a pro and a con. Independence; cool...lack of social events with floor mates; lame. Same thing goes with the huge classes, it's hard to make new friends. I'm lucky that I've got a big group of friends that I know from hardcore shows/through other friends/from high school. It just doesn't really feel like college sort of, I mean it does, but to me at least it's more like a big fun hang out session downtown with classes thrown into the mix, which is cool but I guess not traditional.

Overall, I kinda wish I was away at school, but at the same time I like being in Richmond. I'm putting in a transfer app for JMU, which definitely has the college feel I'm looking for, and is a better school in general not to mention a couple of other benefits. I guess we'll just have to see where the road takes me.

Stuff That Scares Me

Nuclear holocaust. Being mugged/jumped. Detached retinas. When you momentarily have a blind spot before a migraine. Turbulence on planes. If when you die you found that there's nothing, but you were conscious of time passing, so basically you're self aware in darkness forever. Losing family members. Paralysis. Being alone. Letting people down. Being left by people I care about. The deep ocean. The Bloop (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bloop). Legit exorcisms (if they're real, which I'm inclined to believe they are maybe). Being a failure. The feeling when you expect there to be another stair but there's not.

All I can think of at the moment. Yeah. Scary stuff.

Are You Straight Edge? N-n-nooo....

This weekend was awesome.

Friday: Basically just finished up classes and hung out with friends at Ryan's apartment/around downtown for most of the day and night, which was a lot of fun, even though some people in our group were retarded and got picked up by the cops for shoplifting at 711. Definitely worth being arrested for stealing hot chocolate....not. Haha. Later that night we all went to see Battlemaster, which is always a hilarious/fun experience. Ski Mask Mosh 2010. After that, I left them and went to Waffle House (a common experience over the weekend) to see Kim and Kathryn and that whole crew, which is always fun.


Saturday: Lunch with Elizabeth/Alex/Kim/Carlton/Mrs. Seward haha, that was cool. Then Maymont double date which was noice, got some ridiculous myspace quality pictures of myself and Kim...hahaha. Later that night we went to Blood Lake, which turned out to be cool, minus the lame forest walk at the end. Highlight of the evening: "I WANT YOU!" "I WANT YOU!" "Hey dude I'm gonna scare your girlfriend again.....I WANT YOUUUUUU!" *Cue Kim's screams*


Sunday: EDGE DAY. Haha this was awesome. Originally I didn't think Kim was gonna make it to the show, which I was kinda bummed about, but then she called me up and our plans were back on. We ate at The Village then headed down to the warehouse. It was a pretty good show, all the bands put on good sets, Foundation and Cast Aside in particular. I was more excited though to see Kim there haha, she seemed a little...nervous and perhaps felt sorta out of place haha but turns out she enjoyed it! Who woulda thought that. Overall a really good day.
Really good weekend. It was great seeing a bunch of different groups of friends, getting to spend time with Kim for the second weekend in a row, and just doing fun stuff.

Happy.

Been busy!

This past weekend was awesome. After a month (maybe a little more actually? I dunno) of not seeing Kim I finally was able to go pick her up and she visited Richmond for the weekend. It was just a really good weekend all around...we did a bunch of stuff, walked down to the Folk Festival, got creeped on by sketchy dudes who literally followed us for blocks, checked out some cool stores in shockoe bottom, went to Halloscream, got scared by bees in cars, rode roller coasters at night, Waffle House visits with my friends and Meghan, walked in Cary Town, and just got to talk a lot. It was weird, I had almost sort of forgotten what it was like to be with her and this weekend reminded me of how happy I feel when I am. Plus I get to see her some this weekend too! Taking her to a show....muahaha. But yeah. Lucky guy right hurr.

School's been good this week too. Got some decent grades on midterms, and hanging out with my friends down here is always fun. Last night me and some buddies went on a 15ish mile bike ride all around the city, it was great, I love bike riding especially down here. Except the almost getting hit by cars part when my friends ran red lights and I was following them. But anyways yeah, I think some of us are gonna try and join the cycling club, but that means I'm gonna have to start building a bike, which is gonna be costly...sigh.

Overall a really good weekend and everything's looking up. Good mood.

Seeing her today and this whole weekend :)
Well. If I don't crash on the highway. Or get lost again.

Gone.

Sometimes I wanna just grab a backpack, a few changes of clothes, a little money, and just walk as far as I can away from everything. Take a solid week and just see where I end up, walking/hitching/sightseeing during the day and camping out or squatting at night, maybe ride the rails a little too. I'm sure you'd see some crazy stuff, certainly different parts of America and aspects of society that few see. Perhaps a little dangerous at times too but hey, that's life.

And, as always, something I've always wanted to do is just spend a solid month or so in Europe. I'd go there with a friend/girlfriend and only carry a backpack and a little money, same as the other trip, and I guess a credit card for emergencies. Maybe arrive in like Spain or something, and just go wherever, not having a plan or set route. Probably need to get odd jobs here and there to make money for food and stuff, and rely on strangers often. I mean c'mon, how awesome would that be? You'd see so many unique things and get a much different and more genuine experience than most foreign travelers receive...I feel like in going about it that way you'd see the country and culture in it's "distilled" form so to speak. Someday.

Alone.

Every once and awhile, it's nice to just have some alone time. And I don't mean necessarily cutting yourself off from everything/everyone, I think you can be alone even in a city setting, anonymity is just as isolating. I was feeling kinda stressed about school the other night and missing the missus, so I just got up and out of my dorm and started walking. It was awesome. It was lightly raining (at first at least), chilly, and like 12am so no one was out on the street. I just kinda walked aimlessly down Grace Street to Cary then started walking down towards the Bottom...it was nice, just walking in the rain and looking at the big city buildings and lights but with no one around and barely any cars on the road. Times like that I really love being in Richmond. It was peaceful, which can be welcome in the busy college environment.


On a more exciting/happy note, I get to see Kim this weekend!!! It's been a whole month, which hasn't been easy, but now I get to see her for two weekends in a row, which I'm really excited about. And then soon enough it'll be Thanksgiving break, then Winter break, and I'll see her again for even longer. Ah. Good mood, things are looking bright.

Best thing for a down mood.

Lucky.

^^^ Maybe not quite that happy, I mean look at that lil guy, but still, definitely happy tonight.

I can talk to her for 5 hours about anything. I'm sitting out on my porch, not quite ready for sleep yet, and I dunno, I just find myself fortunate and amazed that someone cares about me and what I say like that, and that I'm just happy, maybe a touch melancholy because I haven't spent time with her in awhile, but still.

Night.

Left Behind

I always feel I have to keep up a facade for others. I listen to everyone's problems and try to help but no one listens back and does the same, I change plans to hang with people, they won't do it for me, the list goes onward. I'm probably just in a bad mood about this but it feels better to lay it all out on the table.

Edit: Tonight was awesome. Haha. Sorry for the negativity earlier, the two people that read this and were probably like wow...my boyfriend/friend is a freak. :)